John and Mary had never met. They were like two hummingbirds who had never met, sitting opposite each other not knowing what to say. It wasn’t the greatest of starts to their first date, and so John decided to cut the silence with a joke.
“What do you call a man with a plank on his head? Edward.”
Mary’s stern face cracked into a smile. Her face was a perfect oval, like a circle that had its two sides gently compressed by a Thigh Master. John tried another.
“A bird on his head? Cliff”
She had a deep throaty genuine laugh, like that sound a dog makes just before being sick. Everybody else in the restaurant turned to see what exactly was making the noise. When the sniggers and pointing started, Mary again withdrew into her shell when she realised her date wouldn’t defend or reassure her. He was as lame as a duck. Not the metaphorical duck either, but a real duck that was actually lame. Maybe from stepping on a land mine or something. Instead he decided it best they should leave and attend the second part of their date, the ballet. As he had been already seated when she arrived, she wasn’t fully prepared for just how tall he was. He was as tall as a 6’3″ tree. She was a little over four foot.
Taking to their seats, Mary opted to express her dislike for the ballet,
“How long’s it last?” Her vocabulary was as bad as, like, whatever.
“Shhh!” he said as the performance began. The ballerina rose gracefully en pointe and extended one slender leg behind her, like a dog at a fire hydrant. Mary looked bored before it began, but as more the show went on, the more she became transfixed. Her eyes were like two brown circles with big black dots in the center.
“This is the shit!” she said loudy, much to the annoyance of those around them. John laughed inwardly. She grew on him like she was a colony of E coli and he was room temperature Canadian beef.
Upon the end of the night, like two strangers meeting for the first time, they shook hands and exchanged pleasantries. They even swapped facebook details before going their seperate ways. Arriving home, John was greeted by unfamiliar sounds emanating from upon high. From the attic came an unearthly howl. The whole scene had an eerie surreal quality, lime when you’re on vacation in another city and Jeopardy comes on at 7:00pm instead of 7:30.
Opening the door to his attic bedroom, his eyes were greeted to the sight of his wife riding up and down on a complete stranger. He stared at the lamp on the bedside table. The lamp just sat there, like an inanimate object. There he remained until it was just him and his wife. The revelation that his marriage of 30 years had disintergrated because of his wife’s infidelity came as a rude shock, like a surcharge at a formerly surcharge free ATM. Tomorrow he planned to ‘poke’ Mary.